Is divorce an option?

In some articles that I have written so far, I mentioned, that we human beings like to walk in the path of least resistance; thinking that is going to be better, not realizing that the end result is going to be worse.

Today’s society constantly pounds that we have the right to be happy and loved, indeed we do, but not at the expense of everyone else’s suffering. The worst of all is that we are not going to be happy or loved either. In a divorce there are no winners, everyone loses.

If we could understand that our happiness doesn’t depend on anyone but God, our relationships would be released of the pressure of trying to make someone happy or looking for someone to make us happy. A human being will never fill the expectations of another person, because we are imperfect. Since most people are not concern with the other person’s defects at the beginning of a relationship; we venture to think that a perfect relationship is possible. We build our lives around a person or expectations that are unattainable, due to our lack of understanding of God’s love. Sooner or later reality is going to hit us and all of those defects that we overlooked at the beginning of a relationship are now going to be over magnified; but not because they are indeed big.

It is vital to understand that happiness is an interior state that is subject to our relationship with our Creator. True happiness comes from the acceptance of who we are; with our virtues and defects, and that can only be accomplished by understanding God’s love; He loves us just the way we are. God’s love and acceptance becomes the motivation for our changes. As we change our level of interior happiness, self love and self acceptance increases. This releases the burden we tend to put on other people to feel happy and loved. We are already being loved by the most perfect love, God’s. We have already accepted who we are, and we are motivated to be better. We now go into our relationships not with the objective of having someone to feel happy and to love us; but rather to complement them and to grow together.

God’s teaching of his love for us helps us love the other person without any conditions. Our acceptance in turn is going to become their incentive for their changes. Changes most of the time don’t happen overnight. True changes are part of a process that in some cases may take years, but patience is part of unconditional love. It is essential to understand that true patience is not passive but rather active. In other words vigilant, as long as we see a genuine desire to change on the other person and ourselves; we should feel confident. When the other person stops evolving, we should revise the cause; the root of the problem might not be the other person, but us; we have to be honest with ourselves.

Some of us have reduced marriage to a union of two physical bodies; when in reality is the union of two complete human beings that have soul, spirit and body. Therefore spiritual growth is at the core of a happy and loving marriage. We already have the parameter of true love; therefore when our marriages are failing we should be very concern, and ask ourselves if we are behaving as mature beings in the spirit. If we let our flesh take control; our passions, prides, traumas, grudges will destroy ourselves, our families and our society. Sometimes, I think that we are not realizing that we have a part in the chaos of today’s society. The disintegration of marriage is causing the suicide of teenagers, the lack of role models for our children; boys and girls learn and soundly grow when both parents know how to love and respect each other. The high consumption of drugs and alcohol and teenagers that don’t know how to relate to others, etc…

As we can see the consequences of a divorce can be devastating, and we are not even mentioning the pain and the traumas that the divorced spouses are going to end up with. Lack of knowledge and spiritual growth keep us from foreseeing the effect that a divorce is going to have in society. Most of us are egocentric and only think of ourselves when problems arise in our marriages. We want the easiest way out, not realizing that it is the costliest.

All possible valid reasons for a divorce and/or an annulment; such as infidelities, physical, emotional and mental abuse, etc… would be easily avoided if couples were spiritually mature before they get marry or at least if they work at it with honesty when they begin to have problems. Unfortunately most people get married totally ignoring what it takes to have a successful marriage.

True feelings are the purest expression of a spiritually developed intelligence, due to the fact that feelings are not only sentiments, but well thought out decisions. In my opinion divorce should never be an option, and this is something that each of us has to understand, but that depends in the level of spiritual maturity that we have achieved. Although, it sounds strong we should consider divorce a total failure of our intelligence and feelings.

Affectivity and Effectivity in a Marriage

Two of the most important ingredients in love are: affectivity and effectivity. Let’s start by understanding the meaning provided by the dictionary, which will help us understand the spiritual depth of these words.

Affectivity: relating to, arising from, or influencing feelings or emotions.
Effectivity: producing a decided, decisive, or desired effect.

The difference between these two words is one vowel, but the importance of these two words for a good relationship is vital. A couple must learn to master the meaning and application of these two words in daily life.

Most marriages after a given period of time start focusing on what they think it is most important for their future. Slowly but surely affectivity takes a back seat. Nothing kills relationships more effectively than the lack of affectivity. Setting goals is important but not in detriment of affectivity.

The following story is a good example of what I want to convey in this article. A few years back someone shared with me the story of a couple who came to this country looking for a better future for their family. Both spouses got more than one job, the accumulation of wealth gave them a false sense of independence and security.  After a few years they were not a couple anymore. They were two strangers fighting over material possessions. They had a house, but they lost their home. Many a times parents become effective money providers for their families, but they become so effective that they are barely seen around the house because they are always working.

One of the most difficult issues in life is to understand that we need to live in the present. Some people live in the past, and to them the years gone are always better. Their memories and feelings are stuck in the past, and because of this they don’t enjoy their present relationships.  They fail to see the attributes of their spouses making the fatal mistake of comparing people and relationships. They impair themselves and others.

Others are always planning their future. I’ve seen quite a few of those - they try so hard to build a solid material foundation for their future that they die or they lose their families while at it. In today’s society is quite common to see people thinking that money is the best answer to their problems. If that was true we would not see wealthy people getting divorced.

I don’t want to limit affectivity and effectivity. I want to go deeper into the meaning of these two important words. Spouses need to learn to be affective and effective in providing the appropriate support at a given time: money, a word, a look, a gesture, time, etc… Affectivity is expressed providing support, in other words is the projection of one’s feelings towards the other. The other’s perception of one’s feelings towards the issue at hand is of utmost importance. The involvement of one’s feelings in everything that concerns the relationship is vital, but feelings cannot get in the way of reason either - this would be the effective part of the equation.

An example can help us understand better what I want to express. Let’s say there is a loss in the family, and one of the spouses falls into a deep depression. The other spouse shares the feelings of the loss: affectivity. Good reason tells us that we have to help the other spouse come out the depression or stay focus on what needs to be done: effectivity.

In simple words, we can say that affectivity helps us provide the love, the feelings, the care, the attention, the forgiveness, the understanding, the words, the hugs, material things, etc… Affectivity is giving ourselves to the other when we are needed. Affectivity is the action.

Effectivity is how, when and why we are going to provide our love, feelings, care, attention, forgiveness, understanding, words, hugs and material things. Effectivity requires discernment to determine the best way to provide for a need. Effectivity is the reasoning before the action.

Love is not only expressing feelings, but also knowing how, when and why we express them.

Seven obstacles in the way of a better marriage

It is human nature that men as well as women like to walk the path of least resistance. Modern times has emphasized trying to make everything as easy as possible, and acceptance of anything is based on this condition. We see people spending millions of dollars on goods that are not worth what consumers are paying for or they don’t need, or diets that cause more harm than good. These are just a couple of the many examples available.

The same attitude is assumed in our relationships - we want light marriages. We want everything to go our way. Unfortunately for those who have that attitude, real and long lasting relationships are built on much more than a nice house, a good salary and a satisfactory sexual life.

There are seven mayor obstacles: pride, greed, envy, anger, lust, gluttony and laziness. All the other obstacles that we may find in our relationships come out of one of these seven or a combination of them. Let’s explore briefly each of these seven obstacles; hopefully they will give us an inside of our present reality. It is important to discover who we really are. If we are honest with ourselves and admit our shortcomings, we are half way out of our hole.

1. Pride: most people think that pride is not letting others run over them. When they feel they are being talked down or looked over their shoulder, they have a disdainful behavior towards others. Modern science talks widely about self-esteem. The problem is that most people don’t know that self-esteem equals self-respect. No one knows the value of self-respect unless one respects others. As one sees oneself, one sees the others.

We now have the answer for the true meaning of Pride. If we know our value as a human being, others are going to sense it in the degree that we respect them.

The bottom line is true self-respect cannot be achieved without the acceptance of our shortcomings.

Because of the wrong interpretation of the word Pride, we have seen families and marriages come to an end, for the simple reason of not accepting our mistakes in the name of Pride.

2. Greed: is an excessive desire for more of anything. Let’s see an example: we want others to give us more and more of their love, their attention, their care, but we don’t want to reciprocate the same way. Many times we see couples that want their spouse to float around them as puppets. They have no consideration for the other's feelings, they want to feel good, and they have learned to conjugate the me, myself and I at all times.

3. Envy: is the desire to possess what others have, and to be saddened and sometimes angry by the other's success or possessions. Sometimes spouses' desire so much what other couples have, that they don’t see the good things they already have. In their effort to have what others have, they end up being so unsatisfied with their lives and themselves. Other couples silently envy each other, their talents, their salary, their personality and so many other things. In another article I wrote that we are called upon to complement each other, not to compete with one another. Therefore, envy should not have any place in a marriage between the spouses, and from the spouses towards others.

4. Anger: the pressures of daily life take their toll in most people. It is common to see spouses over reacting at things that one could handle in more reasonable ways, if the additional pressures weren't there. Anger is normally a symptom that denotes other problems inside a person, such as frustration, anxiety, insecurity, fearfulness, etc.

Sometimes we may see valid reasons to react with anger at the actions, words or attitudes of others, but if we take a step back we’ll realize that it wasn’t worth it. Anger makes people say and do things that most of the time will be regretted later. Once a word leaves our mouth is not ours alone. The damage inflicted on the others by our words could be the beginning of the end of a good relationship.

5. Lust: it is the untamed desire for someone else, for success or for something. This untamed desire can lead either of the spouses to a path of no return. Our drive for money, another person, or anything that doesn’t fall within reasonable parameters is going to destroy our marriages.

6. Gluttony: it is normally associated with food, but that is not always the case. There is also spiritual gluttony, and essentially anything that fattens our intellect, our hearts, our feelings, our desires and of course our bodies. It can even be applied to the sexual life we have with our spouses. We need sobriety in everything and in every area of our lives. We have to exercise moderation in everything that is inside of us and everything that comes out of us. My mother used to say everything that comes out of you speaks of who you are as a person, so make sure that you always try your best, because sometimes a name is all we have.

7. Laziness: we could talk about this from different angles, but I think we can make the point with the following illustration. It is very common to see today’s teenagers dream about becoming a famous actor, singer, and model. Everything that has to do with glamour, fame and money. Most people think that those people have wonderful lives and that everything is partying, singing and dancing for them. The media has played an important role at portraying the lives of these people as wonderful. But, If we take a closer look we’ll see that their lives most of the time is anything but wonderful.

Most people enter relationships with the same attitude, but as soon as the hugs, kisses and sex take a back seat and the everyday problems have to be faced, they want to back out. It is kind of strange to see people making great efforts, sometimes extraordinary efforts for immediate gratification or for temporary things, but not for the most important issues of life. People would rather take the easy way out rather than fighting and putting the time and effort to make their relationships work.

Marriage is to be assumed with responsibility. Someone told me once that when we get married, we have to realize that our spouses’ defects will multiply ten times, and that we have to learn to deal with those defects.

Laziness expands its tentacles to other areas as well, but I suppose we really don’t need to get into them. Most of the time we know that we are not doing the things that we have to do. We have to understand no one is going to come from the street to do these changes for us. If we want changes, we have to start changing ourselves. Our worst enemy is no one else but ourselves. Let’s take an honest look inside of us, in order to present a solid war against our laziness, to achieve the changes we need to make to be a better spouse.

True achievement is not only being successful in our careers, or by the wealth we have accumulated through the years, but also, and most importantly, by how much love, happiness, understanding we give and get from our spouses and family.

If we decide to put in the time and effort, we’ll reap sweet rewards. There is nothing more pleasant and fulfilling to come to a home where love sits at the center of it all.

Are children the most important part of a marriage?

The fruit of a couple are the children, but most people aren’t really prepared to be parents. All they have is their parents’ examples, and sometimes neighbors, family friends and some other members of the family who probably were not prepared as well. Therefore, their example most likely won’t be the best.

We see generation after generation making the same mistakes over and over again. It seems that most of us are not paying attention. In my classes I teach three very important lessons:

1. Intelligence is learning from our own mistakes: if something bad happens to us, we better take measures the next time.

2. Wisdom is learning from somebody else’s mistakes: we don’t have to hurt ourselves to learn, we see other people’s lives, we reason, we conclude and we apply the conclusions to keep ourselves from getting hurt.

3. Stupidity is not even learning from our own mistakes: never mind from somebody else’s mistake, it means we keep on stumbling on the same stones over and over.

Most of us have a little bit of each; the important thing is to keep changing the percentages until we rid ourselves of all our drawbacks or at least most of it.

Raising a family is not an easy task, one of the many problems I see has to do with how both parents tend to focus on the children and forget one another. What I want to say is, the children should not get all of our attention. When the spouses put the children at the center, that marriage, most likely, is bound for problems, after the children are gone.

Look around us, and we see that most of those couples that centered around the children. After the children grow up, the couple are two perfect strangers for one another. They forgot how to be a couple, and how to care for one another. Most people think that the only reason to get married is to have a family, to procreate. Indeed that’s one of the reasons and a very important one; we have to maintain the human race.

Maybe the following example will help us understand the other reason we get married. We never hear anyone say that’s my ex-son or daughter, or father, or mother. Blood ties are always going to be there - even if for some reason or another we deny our family ties, they cannot be dissolved. But we do listen to, he or she is my ex-husband or wife. We get married to have someone in our lives who’s going to complement us, to help us mature and grow together, to care for one another and to fulfill our destiny as members of a society, a country and the world.

Indeed, God gives us children, and we are obligated to care and provide for them. We cannot be like some egocentric spouses; sometimes both of them that think that their children are pebbles in their shoes, these spouses push their children out their house, as soon as they are old enough. They say they want their freedom back, as if children were chains to our lives.

Nonetheless, the bottom line is we cannot neglect our spouses. When we do so, we are asking for problems. A high percentage of ignored spouses end up being unfaithful or becoming total strangers who share the same roof, but have nothing else in common. Love wasn’t cared for and resentment overtakes our hearts, and what could have been a wonderful life together after the children leave, becomes a nightmare for both spouses.

It is important to remember that our children are going to leave our house some day, just as we did with our parent’s house, and the person who is going to stay is our spouse. The big question is how do we want to spend our lives after our children leave? That’s up to us, and no one else. Let’s make sure that we don’t repeat the same mistakes our previous generations did. We need equilibrium; our children and our spouses need our time, our attention and our love.

Is work more important than our marriage?

Nowadays, it is common for the two spouses to work, and most of the time they spend more time at work than together at home. We live in a demanding society that puts pressure on the spouses: education for our children, the load from the companies we work for, the desire of having more, etc…

In fact, we spend at least one third of our day at work. Our co-workers sometimes become our confidents, and there is more communication with them than with our spouses. Little by little our chats with our spouses are shorter and shorter, and sometimes we even feel more comfortable with our co-workers than with our spouses. The lack of dialogue with our spouses will eventually take its toll. All of a sudden small problems or differences that could have been easily solved by sitting down and talking it out become major problems. We start complaining that our spouses don’t understand us. Attitudes of pride become the norm, and words that we didn’t want or didn’t mean to say slip through our lips. Little by little we are fertilizing the soil that will produce the fruit of our divorce.

The scenario described above is quite common in our places of work. Our lack of spiritual maturity makes us easy prey of unscrupulous people who will try to become the answer to our problems. Some will want to provide a shoulder for us to cry on, but usually they have hidden intentions. Others will give the wrong advice due to their own ignorance or hidden agendas. They’re not happy, so they don’t want others to be happy either. Sometimes these kind of people even helps create the problems we have at home. I have seen 10, 20, 30 years old marriages come to an end for silly reasons, but more often than not, it’s because of an affair. It is unfortunate but most of us in the heat of a moment will give up the most for the least. I have met people who will stop at nothing to get what they want. They will destroy families, and they will leave small children without a parent. Some of the affected people, the more passionate ones, will even turn to deadly solutions. I have read of horrendous crimes committed by people who were betrayed by their spouses.

The media plays an important role influencing the behavior of people. We see movies, TV shows, songs, articles, magazines, and books that are constantly feeding our senses with the wrong message. They praise, justify and even motivate people to do the wrong things. We are living in a society where all the wrong things are normal and good. Even more, having an affair in many circles has become part of their status. And, while some stand on solid principles, and say no to the excesses of modern society, they become everyone’s byword, and they sharpen their eyes against them.

Companies, also, have to be blamed. Their demands on their employees’ time is beyond reason. Company owners, CEOs, and managers simply don’t care - it is not of their concern what happens in their employees’ lives. All that is important is their bottom line - by far, in comparison to other generations, I would venture to say this one is the most selfish. It seems that because of their obsession with today’s dollar, they are forgetting about tomorrow’s dollar. A society without healthy families won’t produce consumers, which is what they want.

Last but not least is our own blindness, our lack of reasoning to distinguish right from wrong, and our flesh fragility to indulge in every desire that satisfies our senses. This keeps us from discerning the message of the media, and to raise our voice and demand more respect for us at work. We are willing to destroy our families, our children, our marriages and ourselves to have, in instead of to be.

It is time to wake up and not swallow everything that we are fed with. It is time to defend our marriages, our families, and our society. We need to open our eyes because we are losing our children to drugs and all kind of vices. We are bringing up an interiorly sick society, and we are being uprooted of important values, because we are being taught that having is more important than being. We need to spend time with our spouses and with our children. We can never stop our dialogue with them. If both spouses don’t need to work they shouldn’t. We’re in desperate need to respect our relationships and our commitments with those we have married and the children we have procreated.

Seven pillars for a better marriage

Everyone wants to have a happy life; it is a desire that beats in every heart. Most of us are truthful when we pledge our love to someone. We truly want our relationships to work; we want to make ours the words at the end of every fairy tale “and they lived happily ever after”. So, if this is what we all want, why don’t we achieve it? Why is it so elusive for most of us? Sometimes it seems that we are always running uphill and happiness downhill. We see others happy, or at least, we believe they are; as they say “the neighbor’s grass is always greener”

Before we proceed we need to establish that happiness is an interior state that is achieved with hard work. Contrary to popular believe, the possession of material things doesn’t bring about true happiness to a person. Today’s society has an abundance of material possessions like no other generation has had, yet we see people suffering from depression, they are always bored and suicidal rates are higher every year. I mentioned in another article that we are taught to be egocentric; everyone and everything has to revolve around us, we want, we want and we want, because of this, we have forgotten how to give ourselves.

Usually, the greatest changes in society begin with the change of a person, so let’s become one of those who change one’s surroundings. The interior state of happiness, so desired by all, is within everyone’s reach, but certain pillars have to be built to provide a solid support for it: wisdom, understanding, counsel, strength, knowledge, goodness, and care for love.

Let’s look at each one of these pillars, to be able to get a better understanding of them, in order to apply them in our lives. I want to start from the last one to the first one.

1. Care for love: most of us don’t really know the true meaning of this precious word, because it has been so abused and misused. It is normally associated with sex and desires. Love is a sentiment that finds its support on good thinking process and educated feelings. When mind and heart are working together, these two bring about the true meaning of love. We hear most people say “follow your feelings” or “follow your instincts”, but we cannot live our lives this way. Feelings alone are deceiving and instincts have to follow reasonable discernment. Love is the true essence of life, is life itself. Most of us have read or heard these words “God is Love”. If we really pay attention to what we have just said, it’s going to help us look at love in a whole different perspective.

If we say that love is life itself; we have to care for love, for without true love we are dead, we might be biologically alive, but spiritually dead. We have to respect love, we have to care for it, but we cannot go against it, we cannot manipulate it, we cannot abuse it, etc…

It is important to get a clear understanding of love to be able to build on the other pillars, so, when we face the hard battles ahead of us, in our pursuit of happiness, we won’t dismay. We’ll know what we are fighting for.

2. Goodness is what helps us relate to others, to give them the rights, the help, the understanding, the value, the time, the love, the forgiveness and the support that we want for ourselves.

3. Knowledge: I want to look at this word in its spiritual sense. Knowledge is spiritual science. It’s learning to evaluate things, situations, people, words, and feelings in their true content and nature. When we do this, it is very difficult to make a mistake and it is going to help goodness flow naturally through us. Knowledge helps us examine other’s actions and words in their true dimension, and it will keep us from making the wrong assumptions, which normally split families and break up relationships.

4. Strength: we have to learn to endure through difficult times. To win a war we have to fight many battles, and most likely we are going to lose some battles, but we have to stay focused on our goal. We have to get up and learn from our mistakes, this is going to help us plan a different strategy. We’re still going to have fights with our spouses, as well as misunderstandings, wrong attitudes, and offensive words, but we have to come to ourselves and not get desperate. Nothing changes overnight, and everything is a process. It took years to become what we are, and it’s going to take time to change, but we are defending our love and happiness.

Someone told me a true story of man who was having some difficult times with his wife, and he was always blaming her for all the problems they were having. Does this sound familiar? All of a sudden he disappeared. Some years later he finds the man on the street, they began to talk, and after a while he asks the question, "So, how are you doing? Are you still with your wife or did you get divorced?" He said, "We got divorced, and I remarried." My acquaintance asked, "Are you happy now? The man said, "Same hell, different demon."

Most people think that the best way to solve a problem is running away from it - that’s the world’s mentality. We hear: get divorced, find someone else. With those words, we are putting the entire blame on the other, and we are not assuming any fault of our own. As far as I know, it takes two to tango. If we never quit for what we consider important, then why should we quit for the most important thing of all: love, and the happiness that comes with it.

5. Counsel: I’d also like to look at this word in its spiritual sense. True counsel is the capacity to hear the reasoning that comes from these other two pillars: understanding and wisdom. Understanding is going to help us view the problem in front of us, dissect it, see the pros and cons, and reach a conclusion. Wisdom is going to help us apply those conclusions in the best way and at the best time.

6. Understanding: we have more or less explained what understanding is, in the previous pillar. We can add that to be able to grow in our understanding, we need a higher level of spiritual maturity, and that higher level can only be provided by God. But, we can say that it is learning to see people, things, and problems beyond our human capacities. We have to transcend to our spiritual realm. It is looking at everything from the inside, but keeping the objectivity.

7. Wisdom is feeling complete, is knowing when to do things, when to keep quiet, when to speak, and how to say things. Wisdom is letting love dictate our lives, is letting love be our center. As long as we let love at the center of our lives, we are going to be happy, and we are going to feel interiorly unified.

To begin the process we have to sit down and reflect on our reality. We have to be honest with ourselves, and we cannot continue blaming everything and everyone for our problems and short comings. We need to assume responsibility for the problems we currently have, and if necessary we need to write them down. We must understand that we cannot attack all of our problems at the same time. We have to measure our strengths, determine our virtues, and write them down. Once we know our weaknesses and strengths, we have to plan a strategy, and it is always better to start with the easiest one. The savor of victory will help us walk through the most difficult ones.

I plan to expand on each one of these pillars, but I wanted to put some food on your plate, so you, the reader, can start working on your new, happy and successful life and marriage.

Men and women, the perfect complement

Almost all relationships start with things that two people have in common. At this early stage hardly anyone pays attention to the positive and negative differences they have, and since society teaches us to be egocentric, we are concerned with the things we like. It is later, when we finally commit, that we begin to pay attention to our differences. Since we are egocentric we see those differences as a problem, because we want things our way. We make a mistake pretending to always have it our way - this attitude blinds us and keeps us from seeing the benefits of being different.

In the article “More than spouses, family and friends,” I write that we need to be different in order to complement each other. Today’s society keeps on hammering that we are equal, but while we are equal in value as humans, we are also different. Our differences begin in our mother’s womb, as that’s how God wanted it.

We are allotted by God different attributes to be able to complement each other, because if we were given the same characteristics we would not be able to conform as a couple. Anyone can perceive that men and women think different, feel different, behave different and do things differently. It is absurd to pretend that we are equal in those regards.

Hence, it is because of these differences that we can complement each other. The biggest mistake that couples make is to try to compete with one another. If the woman is good at organizing things, and the man is good at keeping the budget of the household, it is obvious that one’s weakness has to be covered by the other’s strength.

With this simple example, we can see that our physical, biological, mental, emotional and spiritual differences can help us become the perfect complement for one another. There is nothing in any of these areas that is repetitive, because even if spouses are good at the same thing, they are each going to approach it in a different way. Two ways of handling, viewing, feeling and doing things have to be taking into consideration to determine the best way to proceed.

The reality is that the common grounds we had at the beginning of our relationships should become the building blocks of stronger families. We should start taking advantage of our differences. The other’s positive differences should help us come out of our short comings, and the negative differences should help us grow in our virtues.

Most people think that the differences between men and women are irreconcilable, and because they put such emphasis in those differences, they keep on deepening the gap, and truly believing we can never understand each other. Yet, those differences are precisely what make us perfect for one another. To understand this we have to stop thinking at a human level and move to the spiritual level. We have to truly believe that God could not make a mistake, because if He did, then He would not be God.

Men and women should be taking advantage of the strengths of one another, in order to build a better society for all of us. However, the sad reality is that each of us is losing, and that the true sense of family has gone astray. Society is in crisis.

In order to turn things around we have to recover our spiritual identity: a woman is a daughter, a wife, a mother and a friend, and a man is a son, a husband, a father and a friend. We both are creatures of the same God who calls us to be one. To move with authority in these different roles that we play as humans we have to come to ourselves. For the most part, today’s society lives on its physical senses, instead of its inner capacities.

The contents of what has been said in this article is more in depth, but we will be expanding on this topic as we evolve with this blog, so stay tuned.

More than spouses, family and friends

When we started our relationships with our current spouses, we saw them as strangers who we met at some point in our lives. We fell in love with them and eventually married them. There are many reasons to support this reasoning: we came from different backgrounds and biological families, social statuses and education levels, races, and many times, different countries.

Hence, it is unlikely that we could have looked at our spouses as family, but the fact of the matter is, we were always family. Most of us believe in the existence of God, and most Christian denominations are familiar with Jesus’ prayer “Our Father.” If we have God as the common Father to all of us, it is obvious that we are part of a spiritual family, which goes beyond our biological ties.

Years back, I remember seeing a movie called “Sleeping With The Enemy." This movie portrayed a reality that we see every day - spouses making their lives miserable - and how subjugating, enslaving relationships can become abusive in many areas of our lives.

More often than not, humans find ways to feel better and superior than others. This attitude blinds us and keeps us from looking at the big picture. We don’t see others as family, but rather as obstacles, as competition, and many times, as enemies.

When we begin a relationship, we tend to be more physical than any other thing. Therefore, we pay very little attention to the virtues and defects of our couples, which is a big mistake. As years pass by, we begin to realize that physical attributes are not enough to build a marriage. The couple that pledged to each other eternal love, respect, obedience and mutual support suddenly develops amnesia. Those wonderful vows become just words that had to be said in order to be married.

Does this mean that friendship is now impossible? Not at all. Everything is possible for those who are willing to save their marriages, their families and themselves.

For spouses to be for each other what they were created to be, they need to wake up to the reality that we are more than just flesh, and that we are not equal. We are different physically, biologically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Only people who are different can complement each other, and this is one of the biggest secrets that we have to understand in order to walk towards a better marriage. Men and women were created to be the perfect complement for each other. If we understand the depth of our spiritual realm, we’ll understand that that person who apparently was a stranger, and that came into our lives, sometimes out of nowhere, is part of our spiritual family.

Consequently, it is possible for spouses to feel as family and to become friends.