Two of the most important ingredients in love are: affectivity and effectivity. Let’s start by understanding the meaning provided by the dictionary, which will help us understand the spiritual depth of these words.
Affectivity: relating to, arising from, or influencing feelings or emotions.
Effectivity: producing a decided, decisive, or desired effect.
The difference between these two words is one vowel, but the importance of these two words for a good relationship is vital. A couple must learn to master the meaning and application of these two words in daily life.
Most marriages after a given period of time start focusing on what they think it is most important for their future. Slowly but surely affectivity takes a back seat. Nothing kills relationships more effectively than the lack of affectivity. Setting goals is important but not in detriment of affectivity.
The following story is a good example of what I want to convey in this article. A few years back someone shared with me the story of a couple who came to this country looking for a better future for their family. Both spouses got more than one job, the accumulation of wealth gave them a false sense of independence and security. After a few years they were not a couple anymore. They were two strangers fighting over material possessions. They had a house, but they lost their home. Many a times parents become effective money providers for their families, but they become so effective that they are barely seen around the house because they are always working.
One of the most difficult issues in life is to understand that we need to live in the present. Some people live in the past, and to them the years gone are always better. Their memories and feelings are stuck in the past, and because of this they don’t enjoy their present relationships. They fail to see the attributes of their spouses making the fatal mistake of comparing people and relationships. They impair themselves and others.
Others are always planning their future. I’ve seen quite a few of those - they try so hard to build a solid material foundation for their future that they die or they lose their families while at it. In today’s society is quite common to see people thinking that money is the best answer to their problems. If that was true we would not see wealthy people getting divorced.
I don’t want to limit affectivity and effectivity. I want to go deeper into the meaning of these two important words. Spouses need to learn to be affective and effective in providing the appropriate support at a given time: money, a word, a look, a gesture, time, etc… Affectivity is expressed providing support, in other words is the projection of one’s feelings towards the other. The other’s perception of one’s feelings towards the issue at hand is of utmost importance. The involvement of one’s feelings in everything that concerns the relationship is vital, but feelings cannot get in the way of reason either - this would be the effective part of the equation.
An example can help us understand better what I want to express. Let’s say there is a loss in the family, and one of the spouses falls into a deep depression. The other spouse shares the feelings of the loss: affectivity. Good reason tells us that we have to help the other spouse come out the depression or stay focus on what needs to be done: effectivity.
In simple words, we can say that affectivity helps us provide the love, the feelings, the care, the attention, the forgiveness, the understanding, the words, the hugs, material things, etc… Affectivity is giving ourselves to the other when we are needed. Affectivity is the action.
Effectivity is how, when and why we are going to provide our love, feelings, care, attention, forgiveness, understanding, words, hugs and material things. Effectivity requires discernment to determine the best way to provide for a need. Effectivity is the reasoning before the action.
Love is not only expressing feelings, but also knowing how, when and why we express them.
