It is human nature that men as well as women like to walk the path of least resistance. Modern times has emphasized trying to make everything as easy as possible, and acceptance of anything is based on this condition. We see people spending millions of dollars on goods that are not worth what consumers are paying for or they don’t need, or diets that cause more harm than good. These are just a couple of the many examples available.
The same attitude is assumed in our relationships - we want light marriages. We want everything to go our way. Unfortunately for those who have that attitude, real and long lasting relationships are built on much more than a nice house, a good salary and a satisfactory sexual life.
There are seven mayor obstacles: pride, greed, envy, anger, lust, gluttony and laziness. All the other obstacles that we may find in our relationships come out of one of these seven or a combination of them. Let’s explore briefly each of these seven obstacles; hopefully they will give us an inside of our present reality. It is important to discover who we really are. If we are honest with ourselves and admit our shortcomings, we are half way out of our hole.
1. Pride: most people think that pride is not letting others run over them. When they feel they are being talked down or looked over their shoulder, they have a disdainful behavior towards others. Modern science talks widely about self-esteem. The problem is that most people don’t know that self-esteem equals self-respect. No one knows the value of self-respect unless one respects others. As one sees oneself, one sees the others.
We now have the answer for the true meaning of Pride. If we know our value as a human being, others are going to sense it in the degree that we respect them.
The bottom line is true self-respect cannot be achieved without the acceptance of our shortcomings.
Because of the wrong interpretation of the word Pride, we have seen families and marriages come to an end, for the simple reason of not accepting our mistakes in the name of Pride.
2. Greed: is an excessive desire for more of anything. Let’s see an example: we want others to give us more and more of their love, their attention, their care, but we don’t want to reciprocate the same way. Many times we see couples that want their spouse to float around them as puppets. They have no consideration for the other's feelings, they want to feel good, and they have learned to conjugate the me, myself and I at all times.
3. Envy: is the desire to possess what others have, and to be saddened and sometimes angry by the other's success or possessions. Sometimes spouses' desire so much what other couples have, that they don’t see the good things they already have. In their effort to have what others have, they end up being so unsatisfied with their lives and themselves. Other couples silently envy each other, their talents, their salary, their personality and so many other things. In another article I wrote that we are called upon to complement each other, not to compete with one another. Therefore, envy should not have any place in a marriage between the spouses, and from the spouses towards others.
4. Anger: the pressures of daily life take their toll in most people. It is common to see spouses over reacting at things that one could handle in more reasonable ways, if the additional pressures weren't there. Anger is normally a symptom that denotes other problems inside a person, such as frustration, anxiety, insecurity, fearfulness, etc.
Sometimes we may see valid reasons to react with anger at the actions, words or attitudes of others, but if we take a step back we’ll realize that it wasn’t worth it. Anger makes people say and do things that most of the time will be regretted later. Once a word leaves our mouth is not ours alone. The damage inflicted on the others by our words could be the beginning of the end of a good relationship.
5. Lust: it is the untamed desire for someone else, for success or for something. This untamed desire can lead either of the spouses to a path of no return. Our drive for money, another person, or anything that doesn’t fall within reasonable parameters is going to destroy our marriages.
6. Gluttony: it is normally associated with food, but that is not always the case. There is also spiritual gluttony, and essentially anything that fattens our intellect, our hearts, our feelings, our desires and of course our bodies. It can even be applied to the sexual life we have with our spouses. We need sobriety in everything and in every area of our lives. We have to exercise moderation in everything that is inside of us and everything that comes out of us. My mother used to say everything that comes out of you speaks of who you are as a person, so make sure that you always try your best, because sometimes a name is all we have.
7. Laziness: we could talk about this from different angles, but I think we can make the point with the following illustration. It is very common to see today’s teenagers dream about becoming a famous actor, singer, and model. Everything that has to do with glamour, fame and money. Most people think that those people have wonderful lives and that everything is partying, singing and dancing for them. The media has played an important role at portraying the lives of these people as wonderful. But, If we take a closer look we’ll see that their lives most of the time is anything but wonderful.
Most people enter relationships with the same attitude, but as soon as the hugs, kisses and sex take a back seat and the everyday problems have to be faced, they want to back out. It is kind of strange to see people making great efforts, sometimes extraordinary efforts for immediate gratification or for temporary things, but not for the most important issues of life. People would rather take the easy way out rather than fighting and putting the time and effort to make their relationships work.
Marriage is to be assumed with responsibility. Someone told me once that when we get married, we have to realize that our spouses’ defects will multiply ten times, and that we have to learn to deal with those defects.
Laziness expands its tentacles to other areas as well, but I suppose we really don’t need to get into them. Most of the time we know that we are not doing the things that we have to do. We have to understand no one is going to come from the street to do these changes for us. If we want changes, we have to start changing ourselves. Our worst enemy is no one else but ourselves. Let’s take an honest look inside of us, in order to present a solid war against our laziness, to achieve the changes we need to make to be a better spouse.
True achievement is not only being successful in our careers, or by the wealth we have accumulated through the years, but also, and most importantly, by how much love, happiness, understanding we give and get from our spouses and family.
If we decide to put in the time and effort, we’ll reap sweet rewards. There is nothing more pleasant and fulfilling to come to a home where love sits at the center of it all.
